I don’t think you’ve really made it until strangers begin to poke fun at you. And I think you’ve really made it when you have a Twitter account that someone with too much time on their hands created to mock and/or harass you. Fortunately, I grew up with two brothers and a father who poked fun at me incessantly, but certainly hadn’t “made it” at that point. I still haven’t, but I do have my first satirical spoof of one of my recently published articles on ways to improve your reputation. And since I think it’s hilarious I wanted to share it here. Thanks Peter Alan for sending this my way!
Reputation: a 4-syllable word that can either rhyme with termination or “give that girl a big promotion” give or take a few syllables. That’s right people, it is kind of a big deal so don’t screw it up. And I am not just talking about how you present yourself mano y mano. I’m talking about hashtag drunk selfie over here too! You don’t think your boss has Instagram and Facebook? Man they are on you like white on rice or brown on brown rice. But… follow my 10 guidelines and you will be taking them checks to da bank! Poppin’ Cystal like it’s H2O and buying jets with pictures of cats on the side. Hashtag living the dream!!
1: Do what you say you’ll do. Sounds easy right? But then you are talking to this customer and you are all, “Yeah I can do that.” But you know for reals that A: you probably can’t do that and B: even if you could it’s after 3 on a Friday so it ain’t gonna happen. But check yo self! Nobody likes a liar, nobody likes a punk, and nobody likes a narc.
2: Go out of your way to help others reach their goals. I know what you are thinking here. What people? What goals? Remember in Kanye’s song, “Gold Digger” when he says “this week he’s moppin’ floors next week it’s the fries”? Yeah those kind of goals! A wise man once said, “do good stuff to others and good stuff will happen to you.” Boom.
3: Make other people look good. Most people don’t like ugly people. Enough said!
4: Go a step beyond what is expected. If someone asks you for 1 beer give them a 40oz not one of those tiny Coronitas (I think that is Spanish for tiny Corona). People don’t like liars, punks, narcs, ugly people, or cheapskates. This list keeps getting longer – don’t be on it.
5: Look the part. When you are going on a job interview pretend you are going on a date. Not like try to look hot because you are hoping to get some but like you are meeting your girl’s parents for the first time. Nobody likes a liars, punks, narcs, ugly people, cheapskates, or sloppy people. Unless you are Daniel Day Lewis rocking some Method Acting for a role as a sloppy person and then probably people would probably still like you but mainly just because you are Daniel Day Lewis and not because of your dress.
6: Consider your body language. Ok remember the scene in Clueless when the teachers are sitting next to each other on the bench drinking coffee and their legs were crossed towards each other and then Cher (Alicia Silverstone not the singer) is like “that’s an unequivocal sex invite”? That’s right!! So, point your feet at people and get your work on!
7: Be consistent. I get’s hard remembering all your lies right? Do I have an Australian accent or was I pretending to be British? Was it proper British or more like Cockney? Did I say I went to Yale or Harvard? Pretty soon you are walking around like an idiot with a bogus accent and multiply Ivy League degrees.
8: Act with Integrity. This should be number 1! Why is it number 8? Because I wrote the article and you didn’t! Get off my back already. If you think the value menu is a crap value then don’t sell it. If you know you aren’t going to call someone back then I guess don’t tell them you are going to. If someone flat out asks you “hey when will you call me back?” Then pretend you are on your cell phone going through a tunnel and hang up the phone! But don’t forget to turn your phone off right after then change your number. Integrity for the win!!!
9: Get engaged with your community. Kind of like that Mormon show “Sister Wives” but with your office. Get all up in their business. People love that crap! “Did you hear about Susan? Oh snap…”
10: Be likeable. Not sure I even need to say anything here. Don’t be stupid. Just be yourself, unless the real you is a liar, punk, narc, ugly, cheap, or sloppy. Because remember nobody likes those people! If you happen to be one of those people then learn the Australian accent and pretend to be a big wave surfer. Everybody loves Aussies. Call everybody mate. Eat out at Outback like a champ and ask people if their babies were eaten by dingos. Fake it until you make it!!!