Apparently my writing is significantly better when it is comedic, rather than serious. Unfortunately, I don’t have the comedic writing gift. As it turns out, Peter Alan has been at it again and crafted this funny spoof of my latest Yahoo! Article (which was originally supposed to be titled, “The Shit No one Tells You About Starting A Business”). Take a read:

The Shizzle Nobody Tells You About Starting A Business

Did you know that like 96.4% of businesses fail in the first 5 years?  I made that stat up but seriously it’s pretty much like all of them.  The odds aren’t in your favor like your name was Katniss (or technically Prim but whatever).  But when you meet a successful entrepreneur they are all like, “oh man yeah it was hard work but it’s awesome.  And let me tell you something motivating!  Belief in yourself + solid work ethic x discipline divided by (can’t find that key on the keyboard) = a successful you!”  Wait what?  Yeah… I don’t know what the hell that means.  I don’t do math yo.

So I’m going to tell you the shizzle no one tells you about the hardships of starting a biznass and makin’ that chedda!!

1:  Its lonely as hell – One day you will find yourself having a full on conversation with your cat ‘Chairman Meow’ and your like, “hey do you think we should use blue in the logo?” and then you are like whoa I gotta get out of here.  But yeah it’s cool.  Cats have good ideas.

2:  Business partnerships are hard – BFF + your BFF really isn’t that good at stuff = suck.  Ok I guess I do do math.  Maybe I should start a math business with my best friend.  Crap.  Look for attractive people to work with so at least if your business sucks it isn’t a total loss.

3:  You will be poor for a bit – Unless you are like a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, because let’s face it the rest of them are just pretending to be rich (gross) seriously though I’m pretty sure Bravo gives them all Range Rovers to make them look rich because how could they all drive the same freaking car and then all hate each other so much), then guess what?  Yeah it’s going to suck at first because you won’t be making any money.  So then what?  You quit the gym and get fat.  You stop reading magazines and then you don’t know what’s going on in the world so you have to start reading Perez Hilton but he hates Lady Gaga and you really like that Telephone song.  Ahhh man it is really hard.

4:  It is way less sexy than you think – See number 3!  Yeah I know I know, you started a business to tell girls at the club that you own your own business.  Things are going good but then you spend all your money buying her Grey Goose at the bar and then you go to take her home in your leased Kia and you realize that you are almost out of gas and you spent all of your money at the bar.  Then you start thinking, “Who really likes Grey Goose anyway?  This girl is a gold digger and I’m out of gold.”  So then you tell the girl you have a headache (and you feel fat because you quit the gym already) and drop her off but you don’t have enough money to get home so you sleep in the Kia.  I don’t see anything sexy in that scenario.

5:  You will doubt your abilities – While you know deep down inside that you are legit, after the 12th person tells you that your business idea sucks and that you don’t know what you are doing and that you look like you have put on some weight then you start to believe it!  But remember belief + ideas x you = bananas awesome!

6:  You will think you are the only person who has gone through this – But umm yeah what about the 3.6% of businesses that make it?  Don’t be a selfish drama queen!  You are already poor and fat so don’t add dramatic to the list.

7:  You will cry – Seriously?  You try to push your emotions down but then you are in line with you knock-off cereal that comes in a bag and ooohhh snap!

8:  Mistakes are inevitable – Remember the bumper sticker Forrest Gump made famous?  Yeah that goes here.

9:  You will feel clueless at times – As if!!  No but seriously you will feel like an idiot.

10:  Don’t compare yourself – Yeah I know it’s easy to look at Mark Zuckerberger and think, “man that guy is smart.”  But didn’t you see the movie?  He ripped off those two rower dudes.  You could rip somebody off too!

11:  It may not work at all – Didn’t you read the stat I made up from the start?  Your business will probably fail.  And based on the previous 10 things I just said you will lose your best friend because they suck at work, you will get fat, be lonely, you will cry all of the time, feel stupid, and it gets worse.  Want to keep reading this article?  Sucker!

12:  Fancy words just cover up real issues – I’ve got some acquisition indigestion because the ROI for my biz is technically moribound which should have been axiomatic due to the horizontal integration, cross-elasticity of demand, and of course because the lack of a sustainable competitive advantage.  Translation:  I’m broke because as it turns out I have bad ideas.

13:  You will be afraid of not being able to pay for your bills – I mean yeah you slept in your Kia last night but check it:  They won’t cancel your cable for like 6 months, your power for about 4, and the housing industry is so backed up you could probably live for free for at least a year.   Feel better?

14:  Your family and friends will question or doubt you – Who needs those haters?  Say it with me!  “Let them be your motivators.”  People love that crap.  If you want to invent an amusement park for the homeless don’t let your parents try and make you doubt yourself with their logic being, “They can’t afford homes how will they pay the entrance fee?”  People need fun in their lives!  Live your dream playa!

15:  You won’t work 9-5 anymore – But let’s face it, did you really work 9-5 before?  You know you were playing Candy Crush for like 4 hours a day at work anyway that’s why you started your own business in the first place!  But actually this gets worse because you are going to have to work pretty much all the time because you spent 6 hours playing Candy Crush while your friends were doing their normal jobs and then when they want to go out at night you are like, “Oh crap yeah I have to work tonight.”

16:  Say sayonara to a good night’s sleep – That means “good bye” in Japanese.  God, get some culture man!

17:  If you build it, they might not come – Field of Dreams would have sucked if that happened.  And yeah that could be your life but “there is no crying in baseball!”  For those of you keeping track that was the 2nd Tom Hanks movie referenced in this article.  For those of you not keeping track then you just learned something new today so… you’re welcome.

18:  You can’t have black without white – Racist!

19:  There is no such thing as “overnight success.” – Unless you open a business checking account and then you go to the ATM and take out $10.  With that $10 you purchase 10 lottery tickets.  1 of those lottery tickets hits the PowerBall for 480 Million Dollars.  And then I guess you could say that your business was an overnight success, but don’t forget you had to pay a $2.50 transaction fee at the ATM.  Oh snap!!  The man is always trying to hold you down!

20:  Ummm, Yeah somehow I miscounted.  Oh well, trust me it was going to be awesome!

If this article didn’t scare you away then you are cray cray!!  If it did then call me and I’d be happy to purchase your idea from you for like $10.  Sucka!  I’m going to be rich flying around in my cat plane with your ideas!

*The content of this article does not accurately reflect the viewpoints of Darrah Brustein.